Time For Dad

As I was reading today, I came up with an idea that is actually the culmination of some other random ideas that have been swirling in my head for a few weeks now. Those ideas are centered on my feeling that it is time that I spend a little time with my father. There has been a bit of discomfort around this for years (for me) because of our past, or lack thereof. He and my mom divorced when I was really young (8?) -- they separated long before that. I have few memories of him being around or being available. My older siblings have more memories and they feel some connection to him that I have no memory of experiencing. As I've grown older, I've seen him in a light that isn't so pretty. I think of the many hard years my mother endured providing for his (5!) children, holding 2 to 3 jobs at once to pay the bills and care for us. My father was so reluctant in any support, financial or emotional. He had the choice, though, whereas my mother did not see it that way for herself. She kept on keeping on, working so hard, sacrificing her own sanity at times, and sacrificing the the many opportunities most parents take for granted to be nurturing, at ease, motherly to her children. Instead, she often found herself stretched to her limits, stressed to the max, and when I look back, angry at the men in her life who let her down so. I see it still in her face, her posture, her present way of living. When I see my father, I see a man who never dared sacrifice his comfortable way of living to make it easier on the mother of his children, or on his children for that matter. He has never offered to help me through college, never asked me if I needed assistance with anything. He sends $100 once or twice a year (x-mas and b-days), but nothing more. When he calls, it's hard to speak to him because we are so different, and even if we were similar, we wouldn't know it because we don't know each other so well. Beyond this, I've carried some anger towards him for not stepping up and being a father or ex-husband. For always having what he needs in life, and more while his children struggled to find their ways in the world. For living so far away - in Louisiana - for so long and not visiting more often. For awhile now, I've held an array of emotions for him, ranging from anger to apathy. In the past few weeks, though, I've felt a nagging sense of urgency to spend some time with him. As a graduate student in psychology, I cannot deny any longer that there is some work to do around this, and obviously so much to say to him, hear from him, and to learn about him and myself in regards to our relationship. He has offered in the past to fly me out to visit him. I've always declined (well, not in a direct manner, but I've never gone) mainly because of the discomfort I feel about our relationship as well as his wife who I see mainly as a ditsy pot-head, who might actually be warm-hearted. I have a three week spring break in March. In the past, I've gone to Virginia to my sister Deana and her kids. I called her this morning and proposed a plan. I am thinking it would be nice to fly to VA, spend time at their house for a few days, and then she and the kids and I could fly to LA to see our dad for a few days. She is totally interested in this plan and we're starting to look into flight options, etc. I think my dad would be tickled to hear of this plan, (and he'd better offer to pay for the ticket for me to fly from VA to LA!) I am sort of nervous about what will surface should I bring up some meaty stuff we've never discussed, but I will be 31 in three weeks - I need to ask important questions, I need to sort this stuff out so I can move on and incorporate these experiences into my total being. I think it can only help make me a better therapist, as well.

So, this is the plan so far. Now I am going to have to tell Hans who had been hoping we'd be able to see each other over spring break. I am sure he will understand. Having a long-distance relationship should not impose on other important relationships. This is one thing I've finally come to realize over the past three years. If the plan to go out east falls through, though, of course I will see Hans! There is a possibility he will be in Hawaii for a scout, and he said he'd fly me out there, which will be great because I so badly want to see the volcanoes!