monitoring . . . balancing

I worked this morning, as I usually do on Thursdays, from 7-12 pm. It's so strange and surreal having to deal with the public while I've got so much on my mind. I find it easy to get into "acting mode" so that others don't suspect I am truly upset. Elizabeth and I get goofy and tease one another and laugh at anything. It's fun and takes my mind off the surreality that I am having a difficult time integrating into this part of my life. I felt nauseous for most of the day, and I wonder if this has to do with my attempt at trying not to feel my emotions for a greater part of the day. I bet it is.

After work, I went to the hospital to see Sybil. Her mother, father and brother were there. I've learned to feel concerned when I see them all there like that, especially her father who is obviously missing work to be there. As I walk in, taking notice of his presence, I wonder what news awaits me. Today it isn't so great, not so great at all. Sybil's lungs continue to become increasingly inflamed. She is requiring more oxygen from the machine, and this is not the trend we've been hoping for. Her body is so atrophied, her arms so thin and frail and marked by bruises from the various pokes and pressure spots from the many treatments she's required. She became mildly alert while I was there, but I think it was because her heart rate started racing. It went up to about 185 at one point, and the nurse, Bergen called the doctor in just to be on the safe side. Turns out this is pretty normal considering she'd just come off dialysis. Bergen takes great care of Sybil and they have a special connection. When Sybil was hospitalized in December and coming out of her sedated state, she responded well to just about everything Bergen would say. At one point, Bergen referred to Sybil as looking, "Buddha-esque" which brought a sweet smile to Sybil's face. Bergen has always been upbeat throughout Sybil's struggles. She has come to mean a lot to Sybil, and likewise, Sybil to her. This weekend, I suspect will be intense. I am scared of what it might bring, but I will be there everyday nonetheless.

"MagicWoman" called Sybil's room today (Hi Susan!) and it was so nice to talk with her, someone who I had not met, but who I know means a lot to Sybil. A special connection fostered by this internet realm. It was hard to know what to say on the phone, not wanting to sound pessimistic, or saying too much in the presence of her parents, or worse, in the presence of Sybil. But here, I share just what I know, what I learn during my visits, and what I feel about it.

I feel disconnected from my emotions right now. I have a paper to start writing that is due in the morninng. I procrastinated pretty badly a few quarters ago, so I guess it's just kinda part of me to be this way, but I also suspect I am experiencing difficulty focusing because of my thoughts being with Sybil. I love being in school, but right now, it's just not ranking as so important. Gosh, I am so tired and just want to sleep . . . or be at the hospital. Tomorrow is another day. A busy day (six hours of class, and the hospital visit), but I just have to make it through tomorrow night, and I think I will be okay.

* * * * * H A P P Y 3 7 t h B I R T H D A Y to my brother B I L L who is serving in KIRKUK, IRAQ!!! Please, be safe!! I hope you win the "lottery" soon so you will be chosen to come home for a visit. I am so sorry you have been called to fight in this unjust war that you also don't believe in. Think positive, and know your family loves and misses you tremendously.